jots & dabbling

jan 7

the fear within me is something i cannot pinpoint

oct 30

sometimes I think about the descent from probable potential

the expectations you probably receive when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time

it's too much; too much that is put on you when you first come from the womb

that my child will be successful, intelligent, and have a good heart

they will take care of me when they are older and will start a family of their own, too

never the expectation that they could take the wrong path, like develop a debilitating mental illness

abuse substances and never reach their fullest potential

that my child will grow up to be a jaded failure.

you think you did everything right

you moved to a better country with less corruption, less crime

nicer houses, cars, better jobs, and better education

you did everything you could to make sure your child would have a better outcome at life

than if they had grown up in a poorer country

yet somewhere, somehow something still went wrong

my children aren't happy, aren't successful or motivated 

perhaps the expectation was too great?

perhaps it was the clash between cultural upbringing?

perhaps we were never meant to achieve western standards of greatness

and you put all your bets on the odds that your children would turn out that way

when really, it just turned out to be the other

what if the problem wasn't the child but the expectation itself?

sep 23

empty room in daylight with the window open

sunlight peaking through and the outside world is faintly audible

the essence of the person can be made known through their belongings

but the person is not there

there is a sense of intrusion being there when they are not

there is a quietness and intimateness felt by you

that can only be felt when the other person is not there

you are the invader 

everything belongs there except you

the cool wind coming from the window

the sound of cars, the rush, the people outside

the smell of the person's belongings

an essence of them that is not there

almost like a ghost but this still applies even if they're alive or not

there is a strange feeling of being in someone's room when they are away

like the feeling of knowing them and them being away creates a rift of loss

the feeling of being so closely intimate to someone minus the person themselves

it's about as close you can get to knowing someone without them there

when people say things like they wish they could leave their house to live their lives without the pandemic it brings a little sadness to me

I am apart of my room

I've made the room for myself

without the person in the room the room is missing the centrality of itself

maybe the sadness is due to the fact that the room cannot go wherever the person goes

it's always waiting for them to come back

when the person leaves to go live their life in other places, other rooms, myself personifies itself as the room because I know what it feels like to have someone leave me alone with only the essence of themselves to remember

I never get to come with them I am just another belonging that is left at home

if the room and its belongings were alive I bet they would feel this sadness too

sep 16

at night I wake up with a terrible poison in me

I am sure that I am free of my body

that I am a wandering soul in the dark

I am not me but I am my thoughts unaccompanied

I am personified by my dark thoughts:

"I am not worthy of life

with every right my life deserves to be over

my life has served no meaning nor purpose to the greater world

when I awake I will pass over

and I am sure that I will die"

sep 10

sometimes I think of myself as an unreliable judge of information

sometimes I wonder if my thoughts are better to be unobserved or observed

I know that I am happier when I think less of my emotions and go through life without the reflection

sep 7

I don't have enough love to love myself let alone someone else

some people think its ok to give all your love to someone else

because it would be like getting the love that you give

maybe their onto something maybe they've just found the right person to give that love to

but people always say you have to be whole before you can expect to receive love from others

so what comes first?

everyday I convince myself I'm better than the day before

the day after that I convince myself I was wrong

sep 6

art exists in a world where the real world is more interesting than art

//or where the art is worse than the real thing

//imagine living in a world where the real world is more interesting than the art itself

life isn't lived out in the real world its through introspection and isolation... just kidding...

sep 3

sometimes I wish to perish of a broken heart

to lie in bed and feel my heartbeat slowly fade away in my chest

what it would feel like to lie in bed in complete stillness, in complete silence

and to feel my chest no longer rise from the need of breath

but I wouldn't want death or to experience passing

I just want to lie there in perfect placidity

observing, like the human mind likes to do

seemingly dreamlike but entirely real

like the stillness of the horizon that is too great for the human eye to capture

and then slipping away into my own thoughts without having to come back to reality

my longing for happiness grows immense

the yearning for life experience 

for change

for laughter, joy, love

life cannot be just sadness and lethargy

this poem sucks

there will come a time when the coin flips on its head

because it can't always be tails

that goes against its nature

so when will life land on happiness?

am I just watching too much art?

listening to too many love songs?

is my yearning for connection with others a smoke screen

are my emotions just a reflection of what it lacks

am I answering my questions with questions?

nobody is (aug 27)

nobody is meant to journey through life alone

nobody was

we are social creatures

we were meant to be challenged by someone who wanted the best for us

wait for those people

your life has been lived 10 times over

the answers to your problems lies in the fabric of history 

what is your contribution to the collective human consciousness?

understanding love and hate

the last time I felt truly understood it made me cry

sometimes I cry at things when they are too beautiful

sometimes I cry when things are too sentimental and traumatic

but feeling understood is both of those two feelings combined

apr 1, '21 (original date) , inspired by soaked who told me to write a poem

by the time i’ll know better
the disposition of my teeth will be
crooked and brown
and gravity will have pulled me
closer to the ground

what it is to love beyond physicality!
i’m happier when i am with flaws
and become anxious when they disappear
because they will appear within me

to be accepted for beauty is to live with paranoia
to change yourself is to accept discomfort
accept what can’t be changed
to see yourself is beauty
to age is to grow a beautiful mind

aug 3, '21

in my incomplete outlines of you

my mind filled in gaps of detail

that were not yours

and they played against me