grievances

may 8

the death of me

today i finally made the observation of the two versions of me

one from childhood, one from adolescence and adulthood

i realize that i cannot go on being these two separate personalities

one must die in order to not contradict the other

this is the personality i've known of myself from childhood

i can no longer be this person

because i am no longer that person who i cherished so closely

i can let this person go

in order to not drive away the people who will come to know me

because these two personalities cannot exist in one person

i cannot be easygoing and funny while being shy and sad

i cannot be expressive and affectionate while needing space and being cold

i cannot be outlandish and quirky while being pensive and modest

a comment on yt vid:

You are not wrong. Time solves nothing, it never has and never will. But even though I generally agree with your point of view, the way you feel is not new. I'm 36 and often depressed by the way things are. Still, although society changed greatly through the past millenia, the way people feel has not. You are not the first person to feel out of sync with society, nor will you be the last. I'm not in a great place at the moment and certainly not in a position to give advice to anyone. This comment is meant to give perspective. People have felt the way you do forever. Each person on their own, however, had phases that were better and phases that were worse. The video is trying to remind us of this. I'm sorry if I'm the first to tell you that you will never again be as carefree as you were as a child. This emotional pain you feel right now will go away, but return in regular intervals. You can not feel the way you did as a child, because once you know something you can not willingly unknow it. And even though you learn good and bad things throughout your life, the bad ones stick with you way harder. Still, never forget that you are not alone with how you feel and that eventually it will pass. Although sadly, not for long. We are all in this together. After all, that is the human experience that we share. Hope you feel better soon.

To add to my last comment which - while it was empathic - appeared to lack an uplifting message. Don't wait for the world to offer you something, come together with likeminded people and create something worthwhile for others to strive towards.

oct 30

DO/N'T

don't lie

don't cry

don't go out

don't be bad

don't be loud

don't be messy

don't watch TV

don't be annoying

don't get in trouble

don't act like a boy

don't play the guitar

don't leave the house

don't disrespect your elders

don't play with your friends

don't get anything below a B

don't play video games

do be a bigot

do always pray

do go to church

do your homework

do what I always say

do cheat if it gets you an A

do better than everyone else

do steal what I can't buy you

do lose weight and be skinny

do be prettier than other girls

do be mean to get what you want

do be mean to others to get what you want

do make me prouder than the other parents

maybe now I'll know why I am: vengeful, envious, depressed, damaged, broken, guilty, regretful, remorseful, anxious

sep 17

today I awoke disturbed from the crippling realization that I had no friends

that five years ago I had people whom I could talk to during the day

that a few months ago I would hear a ding on my phone from a friend I knew on a game

today I realized I truly had no one outside of my family that I could talk to

I have had many dreams where I had friends or people to interact with

but this was the first time where I've woken up realizing that those were just dreams

and in reality I no longer had anyone

-

yesterday I had a dream of my father for the first time

he was a bit taller than my brother and a bit slim

he wore a white slim fitted t-shirt tucked into jeans

his hair was short and wavy kind of like a perm 

just like the one I had seen from a photo

he spoke both in English and a little in filipino

he was nice to me

he was eating ice cream in a cup with a wooden stick

he whispered in my right ear the name of the filipino book he used to read

I looked at the book while he whispered it to me

it was a big teal hardcover book with gold lettering

in my head I was glad that I had kept it all those years