big slice of humble pie

apr 27

What does it mean to be neurotic?  

i have no one else to check myself except me

if i don't, no one will

when i see other people and how they speak and conduct themselves

i ask myself why i can't be like them

why can't my ideas or insights be as good as theirs?

why would anyone want to be near me if i have nothing meaningful or original to say?

was is something that i lacked in my childhood?

good things happen to nice people

i'm not a nice person and it's something that i haven't been able to fundamentally change

are they nice people?

maybe i'm subjected to a life of unfulfillment because of my inability to be inherently kind

i can so easily see the good in people because it's something i know i don't have,

or maybe they're just better at hiding it whilst i pretend so that they won't dislike me

i don't know anymore

i just know that i see good things happening to good people

and there's something missing in me to be truthfully kind

i don't know what it is

there is a disconnect between me and others who i have no connection with

it's behavior that i've learned definitely from my family members

but they seem to be fairing a lot better than me

i think it's just the social anxiety talking at this point

my desire to be so well liked,

it's something i should really be breaking out of

but i just don't know how to get over the idea of being rejected 

i see people getting hurt over being rejected for their identity all the time online

the only difference is that they can stomach it while i

feel like it's the equivalent of being beat up and left in an alleyway

it's a contradiction to want to be liked by people who you couldn't care less about

and it's this ego that's destroying me

if i could take any drug to get rid of this deluded desire i would

it's like two parts of myself that are in disagreement with each other

if i could let the one that doesn't care about people win, i would let it

i don't think there's ever been a point in my life, people in my life,

that i've been my most authentic self with

it's always been a part of me that tolerable for other human beings

because i know the real me is insufferable and insensitive

but that's who i need to be in order to grow

i have to let people see this awful side of me in order to know that it needs fixing

i don't think i could ever be my truest self

if i don't show the worst parts of myself first

before i can see what's good that's left

the thing is that i used to be awful to people

i just still have a bit of that left

maybe i'll never be rid of it

maybe i have to find people who accept both parts of me

for me to understand that i don't want to hurt the people close to me

or that they won't run away at the evil parts of me

because we both tolerate those parts of each other

maybe i just don't like sensitive little bitches and i have never been able to find people 

who were willing to stick around for me

the thing is, i know this isn't true

there have been people willing to stick around for me

i just pushed them away because i thought they deserved better

because i saw the bad in me every time they got close enough

and wanted to spare them from that

maybe it was that contradiction again

maybe next time i'll let people see the ugly 

and let them decide if they want to stay or leave

aug 28

if you ever forget that you're depressed, remember that it's for a reason.

you're a big scaredy-cat that has no social skills or emotional maturity.

i really don't know what you're gonna do in your life.

you have no motivation or interests, hobbies that could pave a job opportunity for you.

you have no friends or social connections that could recommend you a job.

you think too highly of yourself and give yourself too much credit where credit isn't due.

sometimes I don't know who's right: me in the morning or me at night.

they're both completely different personalities.

the book of love is long and boring

no one can lift the damn thing

it's full of charts and facts and figures

and instructions for dancing

but I love it when you read to me

and you can read me anything

I'm tired of hearing love songs, love stories, anything involving romance

I'm tired of being reminded of being a hopeless cause