Life, in general

  I didn't get the mentoring, the apprenticeship, the learning in a controlled environment to learn how to succeed on my own. Learning how to problem-solve, how to course-correct, how to survive in an environment without having an emotional crisis that wreaks havoc on my self-worth. Everything in my life has taught me: If I get something wrong, then I am wrong and my value on this earth grows less and less. What I've learned is that so many people out there had someone else to take them under their wing while I had nothing and had to do everything on my own, which is why I have never succeeded and am left with shame and low self-worth. So I shouldn't blame myself for what I haven't been able to achieve, because I had been wrongly neglected by my family, by my mentors, by my communities, by the adults in my life. Don't blame yourself for something that wasn't your fault. You were overlooked and that is why you feel shame.  But now you know the truth of the matter...

 Richard smells like: hay grains wheat light scent brown fresh fall leaves Richard's feet smells like: barn hay horse hooves cornnuts slightly sour sweaty

  don't be afraid to meet new people because you've already met others -- people will come and go in life -- people you never knew you could meet make the most risks while you are young -- you wouldn't want to be older and sadder and filled with regret say yes to opportunity for experience sake -- every good or bad experience is a lesson

 Watchlist: 20th Century Women 500 Days of Summer American Pie Ammonite Barbarian Begin Again Big Lebowski (the) Blade Runner / 2049 Breakfast At Tiffany's Bridesmaids But I'm a Cheerleader Call Me By Your Name Catfish: The Movie Encanto Ex-Machina Freeheld Fried Green Tomatoes Get Out Ghost in the Shell (1999 / 2017) Good Fellas Handmaid's Tale Inglorious Basterds Interstellar Midsommar Minority Report Nomadland Parasite Pulp Fiction Ready Player One Untold Adventures of in Love Untold Story of Hitler The Whale  Series: Arcane: League of Legends Being Human UK Big Little Lies Black Mirror Chernobyl Community Dark Dirty Money Dropout (the) End of the Effing World Fleabag Gentleman Jack Gossip Girl Grey's Anatomy Handmaid's Tale Hannibal Haunting of Bly Manor (the) Interview with A Vampire Little Fires Everywhere Lost Mind Explained (the) Minimalists (the) Money Explained Nana Manga NHS: Hikkikomori Nip/Tuck Ozark Paradise Kiss Peaky Blinders Queer As Folk UK Ratched...

may 8 the death of me today i finally made the observation of the two versions of me one from childhood, one from adolescence and adulthood i realize that i cannot go on being these two separate personalities one must die in order to not contradict the other this is the personality i've known of myself from childhood i can no longer be this person because i am no longer that person who i cherished so closely i can let this person go in order to not drive away the people who will come to know me because these two personalities cannot exist in one person i cannot be easygoing and funny while being shy and sad i cannot be expressive and affectionate while needing space and being cold i cannot be outlandish and quirky while being pensive and modest a comment on yt vid: You are not wrong. Time solves nothing, it never has and never will. But even though I generally agree with your point of view, the way you feel is not new. I'm 36 and often depressed by the way things are. Still, al...

apr 27 What does it mean to be neurotic?   i have no one else to check myself except me if i don't, no one will when i see other people and how they speak and conduct themselves i ask myself why i can't be like them why can't my ideas or insights be as good as theirs? why would anyone want to be near me if i have nothing meaningful or original to say? was is something that i lacked in my childhood? good things happen to nice people i'm not a nice person and it's something that i haven't been able to fundamentally change are they nice people? maybe i'm subjected to a life of unfulfillment because of my inability to be inherently kind i can so easily see the good in people because it's something i know i don't have, or maybe they're just better at hiding it whilst i pretend so that they won't dislike me i don't know anymore i just know that i see good things happening to good people and there's something missing in me to be truthfully k...

jan 7 the fear within me is something i cannot pinpoint oct 30 sometimes I think about the descent from probable potential the expectations you probably receive when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time it's too much; too much that is put on you when you first come from the womb that my child will be successful, intelligent, and have a good heart they will take care of me when they are older and will start a family of their own, too never the expectation that they could take the wrong path, like develop a debilitating mental illness abuse substances and never reach their fullest potential that my child will grow up to be a jaded failure. you think you did everything right you moved to a better country with less corruption, less crime nicer houses, cars, better jobs, and better education you did everything you could to make sure your child would have a better outcome at life than if they had grown up in a poorer country yet somewhere, somehow something still went wrong...